The month it started to fall apart

I finally pulled up my blog. Finally. I do so with a bit of dread, knowing it had been quite a while since I had written. But March? Really? April 2011 was the month life fell apart at the seams. The good news is, we are stitching it back together now, and looking forward to 2012. So what happened? Sometimes, I cannot really remember everything, but I need to tell my story as writing is therapeutic for me. Here goes......in April we found out we would be moving. We could not tell anyone for a long while, but plans had to be made so we were given several months notice. We knew we would probably move, but until we found out where, details remained on hold. I started packing boxes. We told Mom, and my brother and sister in law came for a visit, moral support, and brief chatting over logistics for Mom. It was those logistics that were propelling me into a level of stress I did not really recognize until I had a panic attack on the interstate. I was able to pull over once, get back on 126, and get off at the Piney Grove exit to retrieve Kate from gymnastics. But I could not make the left turn onto the road, pulled over into a gas station parking lot, cried and called Scott and Sheri. I thought I was having a heart attack. I had no idea what was happening. After being rescued by Sheri, and then by Scott at her house, a visit to the doctor, and a halter monitor for a few days, my diagnosis of anxiety and panic were clear. I took half a pill each time I needed it, but with the stress seemingly short term, I opted for counseling instead of a daily regime of an anti-anxiety medication. And it has worked. I have my emergency meds, but have not taken one in months. This week in April, the week of the attack, ended with Easter, but my Mom's sister (my Aunt Mai) died that day, thrusting my Mom into a hard, hard visit to Tennessee. My brother Mike took her and helped care for her there. It was also the week they had horrendous storms in TN, with trees falling down in my Aunt Johnnie's yard, they lost power, and Mike got a generator from his work to keep Mom's oxygen going. Even from a distance, I absorbed more stress. The week of the panic attack is also the week I was awarded the University's Freshman Advocate award. Kate joined me on the Horseshoe, but the stress and sadness of the weak dissipated the joy I had anticipated. This was also the week of mine and Scott's 10th anniversary, and I probably could not have appreciated him any more than I did during this time, this month. He was a complete rock for me in a month of feeling completed uprooted. In May, my brother Mike visited again and Mom's TV broke. But Scott graduated in May and we treated family out to lunch to celebrate. That same weekend we traveled to Plains, GA with several families to see Jimmy Carter and although a short trip, it was a light in the dark. Also this month, my cousin Laura visited, Mom went to the ER and somehow May ended pretty well, alongside the constant packing, and planning for Mom's care with our upcoming departure from Columbia, to Wagener, SC. It was also during this time my computer at home crashed, and I lost everything on it: from addresses to my yoga history. I tried to have files recovered, but with only a few useless documents found, I coped by simply ordering a new one. On June 2, while I was at a professional meeting, Mom returned to the ER, but this time she was admitted for pneumonia due to aspiration. Only gone for less then 24 hours, I came back, Mike also came, and we checked on Mom and at one point, we had to discuss a feeding tube with the doctor because Mom's inability to swallow well meant that she's likely to aspirate again, but she agreed to a very soft diet. Two days later, we celebrated Kate's 7th birthday amidst the total chaos, and after a week, Mom headed to rehab at Wildewood Downs after I visited three facilities in less then 2 hours. Two days after moving Mom to rehab, Kate and I took one day off to see Scott's United Methodist Church commissioning in Florence, SC. It was a lovely service, and we could not have been more proud. With graduation and commissioning complete, life chugged along. The next week, my car died in Trenholm Plaza and at the same time, Kate had a fever and was diagnosed with strep. Same day. And the next day, we had a yard sale. And the next day was Father's Day, and then Kate was sick again that next week and I joined her too with a sinus infection: the next night we had our bon voyage dinner at Mt. Dearborn UMC, and a second yard sale the day after that. And then four days later, we moved. There were moments Scott and I would look at each other and say, "how is this all going to work out?" Me, wanting to control it all and grasp too tightly, had to learn to let go a great deal and let God work it out. The good news included Mom's 8 weeks in rehab overlapped our big time packing which would have been hard for her to both see and endure (the dust and boxes would have been awful for her breathing, as it already was for ours!). We had a great deal of help moving, especially moving day on June 29, with Scott's sister and mother helping to pack cars and unload boxes. The welcome from both churches enabled us to unpack without cooking one meal. And during this first month of being away from Columbia, Mom was in rehab, being cared for, which lessened our worry so much. In early August, with a great deal of stress of his own, my brother Mike moved in with Mom to take care of her. He is doing much better than I ever dreamed he would, and it has kept her out of assisted living for the time being. And, it has given me back my freedom, my small tiny family, and much of my sanity. Looking back, I cannot believe we made it through to this point, and have enjoyed six months in a new home, out in the country, with two precious congregations to care for, and who care for us. The panick attacks are gone as I started a regular meditation practice, alongside my yoga practice. At times, I feel it creep into my belly, mostly as I drive on the interstate and feel a bit vulnerable, but I've been able to breath them away.....the only other bump in the road was the realization in late October that I was losing my hair, most likely a delayed reaction to the stress of the previous months. But my bad ass hairstylist, Kelly Odom at Urban Nirvana, gave me a new do, and confirmed some new growth :) I pray 2012 teaches me more, wonderful lessons, but at a slower, less stressful pace. These three months were among the hardest, yet as I sit here, I realize that it was a full, three months. Three being my favorite number. We celebrate in threes, we challenged in threes. Here's hoping for more peace to our little family of three. And for you too. Peace and love.